Thursday, December 11, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
sick
Well, I finally have my first major cold of the season. I spent all of yesterday on the couch, and I'm feeling miserable.
Friday, December 5, 2008
the gift of praise
Just at the time when I have been doubting my own gifts, abilities, relevancy, and calling, I have been humbled and lifted up by the willingness of others to step out and advocate for me.
I find it difficult to see myself clearly right now. And yet, it’s always amazing when other people see you better than you can see yourself. People have the power to name light in you, even when you struggle to really believe and own it for yourself.
I just got to read a really beautiful recommendation on my behalf for graduate school this morning (my recommender prefers others to see what he writes about them to others – I like that integrity, I wonder if I could have it myself?)
The funny thing is how reading the recommendation made me feel. I felt encouraged, affirmed, accurately seen, and ultimately humbled by the ways that I had influenced others by just being who I am and living my life. Normally, it feels like I don’t know what I’m doing and how the different pieces of my life add up and whether it really matters, but it was nice to see that from an outside perspective the pattern of my life does make sense. My desire to live into complexity and enter into suffering, to be a reconciling force, is worth owning. I am living out what I love. And the Spirit which invigorates me is present and visible. That’s all I could ever hope for.
It’s nice to be seen.
What’s interesting is that I trust the perspective of my writer. That makes all the difference in the world. When you know the character and integrity of another and you trust them to honestly assess you, praise feels good. It’s a gift.
The most encouraging thing about the graduate school process – no matter what happens – is I’ve received so much honest support, encouragement, and advocacy from people I really respect. The type of support that I know would not be given if others did not believe in me. I’ve had a hard time feeling fully seen by my current community, but I’m blown away by people half-way across the country stepping up to bat for me; seeing me in ways that I have struggled to see myself the last year; reminding me of all that I carry within me; helping me connect past, present, and future. If any of my friends are reading this…THANK YOU!
It’s all reminded me again about the power of advocacy, but honest advocacy. I have to confess sometimes – especially in my work with students – I’m tempted to overpraise or to name something that is not there while at the same time not asking for responsibility and accountability. I’ve realized that this harms more than it helps. It cheapens the power of real affirmation and advocacy, and it doesn’t lend itself to empowerment. It’s also led to some disturbing lapses of judgment on my part. I know when this happens, my praise and affirmation has become more about my own ego or feeling needed, than a genuine desire to honestly help guide, mentor, and see the success of my students.
So, it’s important to guard praise carefully, to offer it generously when needed, and to go the extra mile for those you believe in. That’s at least the principle I’m trying to live out every day as work with students. And I have to say, I’m thankful for those who have modeled this to me. I’m grateful that when their praise has come it’s honest, it means something, I can trust it, and I can know that it’s for my benefit (not theirs).That’s the best gift in the whole world.
It makes me want to pass it on...actually, it makes me excited for future opportunities to use my influence to empower and support others. and it reminds me that I have those opportunities right now if I am careful and discerning.
I find it difficult to see myself clearly right now. And yet, it’s always amazing when other people see you better than you can see yourself. People have the power to name light in you, even when you struggle to really believe and own it for yourself.
I just got to read a really beautiful recommendation on my behalf for graduate school this morning (my recommender prefers others to see what he writes about them to others – I like that integrity, I wonder if I could have it myself?)
The funny thing is how reading the recommendation made me feel. I felt encouraged, affirmed, accurately seen, and ultimately humbled by the ways that I had influenced others by just being who I am and living my life. Normally, it feels like I don’t know what I’m doing and how the different pieces of my life add up and whether it really matters, but it was nice to see that from an outside perspective the pattern of my life does make sense. My desire to live into complexity and enter into suffering, to be a reconciling force, is worth owning. I am living out what I love. And the Spirit which invigorates me is present and visible. That’s all I could ever hope for.
It’s nice to be seen.
What’s interesting is that I trust the perspective of my writer. That makes all the difference in the world. When you know the character and integrity of another and you trust them to honestly assess you, praise feels good. It’s a gift.
The most encouraging thing about the graduate school process – no matter what happens – is I’ve received so much honest support, encouragement, and advocacy from people I really respect. The type of support that I know would not be given if others did not believe in me. I’ve had a hard time feeling fully seen by my current community, but I’m blown away by people half-way across the country stepping up to bat for me; seeing me in ways that I have struggled to see myself the last year; reminding me of all that I carry within me; helping me connect past, present, and future. If any of my friends are reading this…THANK YOU!
It’s all reminded me again about the power of advocacy, but honest advocacy. I have to confess sometimes – especially in my work with students – I’m tempted to overpraise or to name something that is not there while at the same time not asking for responsibility and accountability. I’ve realized that this harms more than it helps. It cheapens the power of real affirmation and advocacy, and it doesn’t lend itself to empowerment. It’s also led to some disturbing lapses of judgment on my part. I know when this happens, my praise and affirmation has become more about my own ego or feeling needed, than a genuine desire to honestly help guide, mentor, and see the success of my students.
So, it’s important to guard praise carefully, to offer it generously when needed, and to go the extra mile for those you believe in. That’s at least the principle I’m trying to live out every day as work with students. And I have to say, I’m thankful for those who have modeled this to me. I’m grateful that when their praise has come it’s honest, it means something, I can trust it, and I can know that it’s for my benefit (not theirs).That’s the best gift in the whole world.
It makes me want to pass it on...actually, it makes me excited for future opportunities to use my influence to empower and support others. and it reminds me that I have those opportunities right now if I am careful and discerning.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
chasing, aching
I’m afraid the usual winter shadow is upon me. Every day is measured in terms of better or worse. Still, I tend to end the day heavy. Lingering doubts and questions find their way to the surface. I wonder what it really means to wait expectantly?
I know I am yearning for change, but of what type? Change of scenery? Change of orientation? Change of belief?
I want miracles and transformation – I wonder why this longing. A longing to find and be found, a longing for a day when I – and the whole world – would give up our rights to power, privilege, and being right, and simply live alongside each other in loving community. But this vision seems more and more foolish every day.
Everywhere I look people are racing for power, for prestige, for greater clarity and certainty, for ideological shells and practiced identities forged at the expense of others. And it’s hard to deny that at least in the short term this route promises success, placement, comfort.
Residing in weakness, powerlessness, sorrow, and the desert of aching unanswered questions is not very much fun. I’m hoping that light will break through, but I have to be honest and admit that God’s idea of light shining in the darkness was to place God’s self in the tiny fragile shell of humanity and to live alongside us. He didn’t offer answers. He only asked us to come, follow, believe.
Frankly, right now, that doesn’t seem like enough. But at the same time, I can’t think of a better alternative. Or any alternative for that matter. Everything is vanity, chasing after the wind.
I know I am yearning for change, but of what type? Change of scenery? Change of orientation? Change of belief?
I want miracles and transformation – I wonder why this longing. A longing to find and be found, a longing for a day when I – and the whole world – would give up our rights to power, privilege, and being right, and simply live alongside each other in loving community. But this vision seems more and more foolish every day.
Everywhere I look people are racing for power, for prestige, for greater clarity and certainty, for ideological shells and practiced identities forged at the expense of others. And it’s hard to deny that at least in the short term this route promises success, placement, comfort.
Residing in weakness, powerlessness, sorrow, and the desert of aching unanswered questions is not very much fun. I’m hoping that light will break through, but I have to be honest and admit that God’s idea of light shining in the darkness was to place God’s self in the tiny fragile shell of humanity and to live alongside us. He didn’t offer answers. He only asked us to come, follow, believe.
Frankly, right now, that doesn’t seem like enough. But at the same time, I can’t think of a better alternative. Or any alternative for that matter. Everything is vanity, chasing after the wind.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
let it snow
It was 75 degrees in Texas today. I know I shouldn't complain, but this season doesn't feel complete without the combination of cold, darkness, and the deep brilliance of snow.
mystery
Well, the season of Advent is officially upon us. Today, mystery is on my mind. Yesterday, I read a delightful meditation by Kathleen Norris on the power of mystery and how impoverished faith becomes by our unwillingness to accept, prepare for, and anticipate mystery.
I woke up this morning wondering if I had lost my own capacity to imagine. It’s partly the season – winter is pure drudgery. We try to baptize it and call it waiting, but right now, I feel caught in a sea of endless boredom. Blues.
By all accounts, I live in a very religious city. And yet, this place feels like one of the most desolate places on earth. There is very little mystery here. Everyone is so attached to tradition, custom, routine. Christmas comes and passes with all the same old platitudes about the real meaning of the season. But do we really encounter mystery? Something that leaves us radically disoriented, shaken from our self-assuming foundations, shivering. Something akin to glory, awe, and terror.
I have to wonder –
Where are the dreamers?
Where are those waiting in sheer desperation?
And where are those beginning to ponder a life of unimaginable power growing inside them?
I woke up this morning wondering if I had lost my own capacity to imagine. It’s partly the season – winter is pure drudgery. We try to baptize it and call it waiting, but right now, I feel caught in a sea of endless boredom. Blues.
By all accounts, I live in a very religious city. And yet, this place feels like one of the most desolate places on earth. There is very little mystery here. Everyone is so attached to tradition, custom, routine. Christmas comes and passes with all the same old platitudes about the real meaning of the season. But do we really encounter mystery? Something that leaves us radically disoriented, shaken from our self-assuming foundations, shivering. Something akin to glory, awe, and terror.
I have to wonder –
Where are the dreamers?
Where are those waiting in sheer desperation?
And where are those beginning to ponder a life of unimaginable power growing inside them?
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