Daily Meditation

I. Can we ever escape the other? By this, I mean, can we ever escape each other. We – humanity – are inextricably linked. We have nothing but each other.

But some of us keep trying to escape. Some of us keep trying to carve out our own paths where we think we might find “freedom.” We invent various myths to take us there – solitude, self-making, personal conversion and transformation, addiction, self-actualization. Pick your poison.

I am anxious for individuation. Why? This must be a symptom of our current cultural malaise. We are anxious, so very anxious, for individuation, taught it is the ONLY way to escape pathology. Cut off all ties. Cut off all attachments. But does this get us any closer to reality?

Do we sense the futility of this endeavor. It is not good. It is not necessary. It is not possible. We are linked. It’s inescapable. Every action. Every inaction. Every word. Every silence. We delude ourselves when we pretend otherwise. Selfish dalliances, which always bring destruction and shame.

II. Escape is futile, so we might as well learn to live. Might as well learn how to be in relationship, as messy as it is. Might as well learn how to dialogue in a way that is constructive, creative, life-giving. Might as well accept responsibility. for things done and left undone. Might as well love. Might as well make space for each other.

Might as well stay.

My brain hurts. Trying to cram 90 pages of Kant into my skull proved impossible today. But I shall try anew tomorrow.

school daze

Tomorrow, I start school. My bag is laid out and stocked with notebook, papers, keys, and snacks. Just as it used to be. I’m familiar with these routines, but I still have no idea where this week will go. Continental Philosophy – Heidegger, Kant, Nietzsche, Gadamer. Method and Theory in the Study of Black Religion. African Politics and Religion. These are my subjects, but what is my topic?

I’m eager to get on schedule. I want everything predictable, regulated, controlled. The last few weeks have been entirely unpredictable. From our car breaking down, to money bleeding out of our bank account, to death and emergency room visits: it’s enough to make one wonder. But my mom told me earlier on the phone not to be superstitious. She then gave me advice on how to handle unfriendly departmental secretaries (“bug the heck out of them!”). I was surprised and somewhat steadied by her practical wisdom. I forget my mom has been to graduate school too.

There are two kinds of departments – or maybe just one kind – a department that views itself as doing graduate students a favor. How much leverage a department demands in exchange for this favor varies, but I’m hoping my program will be as humane as I thought it would be.

I still haven’t met my advisor/mentor. Still, I trust in his goodness, generosity, and intelligence. I’m eager, though, to replace my imagined perceptions with a face. I have met the other person I will be studying African Religions with. He is a keen, kind, man from Nigeria who has already determined that the two of us will spend all of our time in the library together and eventually write an article. I appreciate his immediate emphasis on we, his belief that we can use each other for mutual success. Americans don’t always think like that.

At our departmental orientation, I was also surprised to discover that I am the only female in our incoming cohort. I suppose I won’t have to feel competitive with another women, which can get quite emotional. At the same time, I immediately attached a sense of superiority to the men around me as if they already knew the rules, and I had yet to learn the game. Regardless of gender, I hope that I can find some trusted companions in this journey. Please keep me in your prayers.

preperations

Hot. Sticky and sweaty – at first it seemed like a dream after freezing in Cape Town’s winter. Would I rather be in a house without central heating or cooling? Fortunately, we do have air conditioning, though it comes at a price. It’s 9:45 PM and 85 degrees in our apartment. I cave in and turn on the AC to drop down to our average sleeping temperature of 80 degrees.

The fan drones on. I’m dreading Monday. Only 3 more days of “freedom” before I’m feeling constant pressure. But this is what I love. I couldn’t escape it even if I tried. I did try.

Our neighbors like to hang out into the wee hours of the night drinking beer and sitting on concrete. They all have previous lives. Previous lives that include previous marriages and various drugs. But it’s the best hospitality we have ever received.

Back to important matters: I need to confront this dread. I am so afraid of working hard. I’m so afraid of loving and losing. My parents gave their lives to work, and they will die working. They had love, but even love and hard work do not guarantee lasting success or money. So, it’s a logic of abandonment. I feel like the choice really is abandon all my expectations and supposed “needs” and lose myself – not to work but to the source behind my work. I have to get back to the center, if I am to survive. But the work still has a place. Now is the time for me to really focus, and I’ve been terribly afraid of focus.

Not to mention the pain --- every move, every transition, always reminds me of my own abyss. I have a constant hunger and need for affirmation and security. Foolish, I know, but it never goes away. I’m so afraid to go at it alone, but that is the only way forward. Alone, but not alone. Still, I feel alone at times. I feel abandoned. I feel frightened. I have yet to fully enter into the freedom I know is mine, because I’m still tangled up in my own needs and expectations.

Still, I’m eager to have a chance to practice discipline, to practice focus, and evaluate anew my values, priorities, and daily routines. I also have to admit when I saw the books I would be reading this fall, I became very excited. I’m still in love with the idea of graduate school, but hopefully, in time, I will come to love and appreciate the process of graduate school as well.

traveling mercies

Sea Point and Around - South Africa, 2009

Hogsback

One of our more delightful finds during our travels across South Africa was the tiny eco-destination of Hogsback. Intrigued by the description in Lonely Planet --- which marketed it as the place where J.R. Tolkein was inspired --- we had to check it out for ourselves. It took a long 12 hour day to get from Durban to Hogsback, but we finally made it.

We quickly learned while driving in South Africa to never drive when it was dark. The roads are hazardous enough in the daylight. Despite all warnings, we found ourselves driving along a bumpy dirt road to find our mountain top accommodations at "The Edge" in the dark! We quickly forgot our driving woes when we saw our lovely forest cabin complete with an indoor wood fire place.

The next morning we explored the Rose Garden, lovely even in the winter.

I love making connections between places and different parts of my life. The Edge at Hogsback reminded me of a cross between Sleeping Lady in Leavenworth and Iona. The mountains, eco-sensibility, British hospitality, and air of spirituality was a great respite from our long days of driving.

From Drop Box

View of outdoor labyrinth and valley. The labyrinth was a good chance for us to process all that we had experienced during our travels and all that we were looking forward to in the next season of our lives. After so much traveling and transition, it was nice to pause for a morning and rest.

waking sense

It has been almost two weeks since my friend and former college Joe died. I remember Joe telling me when we worked together that he was “mixed up” when it came to faith. His honesty at the time impressed me. These days, I feel mixed up as well.

At his funeral, I whispered Hail Mary.

Light and dark both running through me. At times, the work seems about trying to purge the darkness from me. But, my bad thoughts remain, and they always come back. A more modest goal, it seems, is to create enough space within myself for both darkness and light.

Joyce Carol Oats wrote about Simone Weil --- “Ah, the art of being so completely and so brilliantly self-deceived! – is sainthood anything else?” I wonder if I am similarly self-deceived. But aren’t we all? Can anyone see themselves clearly? For me, the nagging fear is how others see me. But I think I need to let this go and simply accept that my vision and motives will always be partial, conflicted, capable of both good and destruction. I shouldn’t waste time trying to figure out which is which.

However, I want to be connected to some sort of reality. I want to be grounded. The only reality I can find solace in right now is materialism and perhaps the hope of another material world that is already and not yet. I find sanity in the quiet: in drinking a cup of coffee, in tasting fresh summer fruits and vegetables, in walking down the block. I find common sense in touching my body, in recitation, and color.

As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be: world without end. This, perhaps, may be my final comfort.

a long while

hello! I'm not even sure who reads my words anymore, but after a few months of silence, I'm starting to post again.

Than and I are now living in Houston. We have been here about three weeks, though it seems a bit less than that as we have been in and out of the city for various events and obligations.

We accomplished our goal of going back to South Africa this summer. I haven't really processed the trip yet ---- but hope to do a little of that here soon. Suffice to say, it was a good restful vacation. I originally had wished it to be more than a vacation, but I soon found out that everyone needs a vacation from time to time. It was so good to take a break from writing, from thinking, from doing, from working, from daily routines.

Now, I'm eager to get to work, which is as it should be, I think. Nervous about starting graduate school next week, but I hope my curiosity and love of learning will provide me with the sort of courage I need to dive in.

More to come...

a day at the beach

Hamburg, South Africa --- July 2009