are you happy

“are you still living in CA? are you happy? fulfilling your dreams? married?”

At night, I dream of people past. This ache never goes away – I just attempt, some days better than others, to live alongside it. How I wish I could live 100 parallel lives!

A stolen kiss, a whispered prayer, laughter upon laughter

Back when friendship was free.

I’ve discovered love never dies, even when the lights have gone out. We have grown into our own lives. Yet, I still think of you.

the home stretch

Waiting and restless.

I’ve been thinking about going back to South Africa and back to school for so long, it’s hard to believe that it’s almost here. It’s hard to believe that it has been seven years since my first trip to Cape Town. I’ve been talking about graduate school since then, and it’s amazing to be almost there. 

The reality of studying for the next five years is slowly sinking in. I’m hesitant about this new identity: scholar.I’ve spent a long time running from it. Hiding and submerging the stirrings of my heart and my intellectual gifts. All the while, I could not escape the ideas that captured my imagination and left me hungry for more.

More justice. More reconciliation. More dialogue. More change.

I’ve been afraid of commitment – the demands of commitment. I’m afraid of discipline. I’m afraid of failure, but perhaps even more afraid of success. And yet, I continue to step forward. Baby steps. I don’t have to have this whole thing figured out just yet.

Looking back, it’s been daily work. One step after another, an email here and an email there, studying for the GRE, connecting thoughts and fragments into a personal statement, reading, pushing myself to be faithful to the tasks right in front of me. And now, I will be part of this world --- long reviled and desired ---