chasing, aching

I’m afraid the usual winter shadow is upon me. Every day is measured in terms of better or worse. Still, I tend to end the day heavy. Lingering doubts and questions find their way to the surface. I wonder what it really means to wait expectantly?

I know I am yearning for change, but of what type? Change of scenery? Change of orientation? Change of belief?

I want miracles and transformation – I wonder why this longing. A longing to find and be found, a longing for a day when I – and the whole world – would give up our rights to power, privilege, and being right, and simply live alongside each other in loving community. But this vision seems more and more foolish every day.

Everywhere I look people are racing for power, for prestige, for greater clarity and certainty, for ideological shells and practiced identities forged at the expense of others. And it’s hard to deny that at least in the short term this route promises success, placement, comfort.

Residing in weakness, powerlessness, sorrow, and the desert of aching unanswered questions is not very much fun. I’m hoping that light will break through, but I have to be honest and admit that God’s idea of light shining in the darkness was to place God’s self in the tiny fragile shell of humanity and to live alongside us. He didn’t offer answers. He only asked us to come, follow, believe.

Frankly, right now, that doesn’t seem like enough. But at the same time, I can’t think of a better alternative. Or any alternative for that matter. Everything is vanity, chasing after the wind.