confessions of a prospective graduate student

Every new step in my graduate school application journey is accompanied by a surge of fear, insecurity, and anxiety. It is such a struggle to maintain perspective and see myself clearly. Most days, I spend more time trying to cut down the tangled roots of insecurity, fear, pride, narcissism, and jealousy than actually working on my writing sample, research, and personal statements. I just wish I could feel more grounded and confident in my skills, giftings and abilities while being content to accept my limitations. But I’m a perfectionist. I want to be affirmed, and I want to be recognized. As much as I hate to admit it, I care what others think.

I’m hesitant to tell others about graduate school, and I regularly downplay my desires and ambitions. I just don’t want to seem like I am shooting too high: my dreams and desires are where I feel most vulnerable. On the other hand, learning and academia is such an important part of my sense of vocation that I feel inauthentic not sharing it with others. My greatest fear in putting myself out there through sharing, writing, and applying is that I will inaccurately judge my abilities and fall flat on my face and everyone (but me) will have seen it from miles away. After all, who am I to think that I could get an advanced degree and spend my life researching, reading, writing, and teaching?

I wish that I could rid myself of these hypercritical, overly inflated, insecurities that end up being directed towards myself or others. This is partly why I have held off on applying for so long. I am pretty sure I haven’t killed off my mean streak of perfectionism, only sent it into hiding. Going back to school might be the equivalent of an alcoholic sitting in a bar, so my strategy has been to just stay away. There is so much pain associated with my personal journey of coming to terms with my perfectionism and also my intimate knowledge of my own vulnerabilities. In the back of my mind, I can't help but worry that my old demons will return, and I will be facing another season of exhaustion, trauma, and depression.

But at the same time, I feel a growing desire to confront this fear head on, to claim my desires, and enter the unknown. I know I’m probably not ever going to get rid of my perfectionism, but I hope – and pray – that I have gained enough confidence and grounding to not only survive but thrive in graduate school, while maintaining clarity, integrity, and balance.

So, I'm engaged in a struggle right now between doubt and belief, fear and confidence, insecurity and faith. And I know from watching my husband in graduate school that it doesn't really go away. I wonder if this simply part of the vocational journey?