preperations

Hot. Sticky and sweaty – at first it seemed like a dream after freezing in Cape Town’s winter. Would I rather be in a house without central heating or cooling? Fortunately, we do have air conditioning, though it comes at a price. It’s 9:45 PM and 85 degrees in our apartment. I cave in and turn on the AC to drop down to our average sleeping temperature of 80 degrees.

The fan drones on. I’m dreading Monday. Only 3 more days of “freedom” before I’m feeling constant pressure. But this is what I love. I couldn’t escape it even if I tried. I did try.

Our neighbors like to hang out into the wee hours of the night drinking beer and sitting on concrete. They all have previous lives. Previous lives that include previous marriages and various drugs. But it’s the best hospitality we have ever received.

Back to important matters: I need to confront this dread. I am so afraid of working hard. I’m so afraid of loving and losing. My parents gave their lives to work, and they will die working. They had love, but even love and hard work do not guarantee lasting success or money. So, it’s a logic of abandonment. I feel like the choice really is abandon all my expectations and supposed “needs” and lose myself – not to work but to the source behind my work. I have to get back to the center, if I am to survive. But the work still has a place. Now is the time for me to really focus, and I’ve been terribly afraid of focus.

Not to mention the pain --- every move, every transition, always reminds me of my own abyss. I have a constant hunger and need for affirmation and security. Foolish, I know, but it never goes away. I’m so afraid to go at it alone, but that is the only way forward. Alone, but not alone. Still, I feel alone at times. I feel abandoned. I feel frightened. I have yet to fully enter into the freedom I know is mine, because I’m still tangled up in my own needs and expectations.

Still, I’m eager to have a chance to practice discipline, to practice focus, and evaluate anew my values, priorities, and daily routines. I also have to admit when I saw the books I would be reading this fall, I became very excited. I’m still in love with the idea of graduate school, but hopefully, in time, I will come to love and appreciate the process of graduate school as well.

traveling mercies

Sea Point and Around - South Africa, 2009

Hogsback

One of our more delightful finds during our travels across South Africa was the tiny eco-destination of Hogsback. Intrigued by the description in Lonely Planet --- which marketed it as the place where J.R. Tolkein was inspired --- we had to check it out for ourselves. It took a long 12 hour day to get from Durban to Hogsback, but we finally made it.

We quickly learned while driving in South Africa to never drive when it was dark. The roads are hazardous enough in the daylight. Despite all warnings, we found ourselves driving along a bumpy dirt road to find our mountain top accommodations at "The Edge" in the dark! We quickly forgot our driving woes when we saw our lovely forest cabin complete with an indoor wood fire place.

The next morning we explored the Rose Garden, lovely even in the winter.

I love making connections between places and different parts of my life. The Edge at Hogsback reminded me of a cross between Sleeping Lady in Leavenworth and Iona. The mountains, eco-sensibility, British hospitality, and air of spirituality was a great respite from our long days of driving.

From Drop Box

View of outdoor labyrinth and valley. The labyrinth was a good chance for us to process all that we had experienced during our travels and all that we were looking forward to in the next season of our lives. After so much traveling and transition, it was nice to pause for a morning and rest.

waking sense

It has been almost two weeks since my friend and former college Joe died. I remember Joe telling me when we worked together that he was “mixed up” when it came to faith. His honesty at the time impressed me. These days, I feel mixed up as well.

At his funeral, I whispered Hail Mary.

Light and dark both running through me. At times, the work seems about trying to purge the darkness from me. But, my bad thoughts remain, and they always come back. A more modest goal, it seems, is to create enough space within myself for both darkness and light.

Joyce Carol Oats wrote about Simone Weil --- “Ah, the art of being so completely and so brilliantly self-deceived! – is sainthood anything else?” I wonder if I am similarly self-deceived. But aren’t we all? Can anyone see themselves clearly? For me, the nagging fear is how others see me. But I think I need to let this go and simply accept that my vision and motives will always be partial, conflicted, capable of both good and destruction. I shouldn’t waste time trying to figure out which is which.

However, I want to be connected to some sort of reality. I want to be grounded. The only reality I can find solace in right now is materialism and perhaps the hope of another material world that is already and not yet. I find sanity in the quiet: in drinking a cup of coffee, in tasting fresh summer fruits and vegetables, in walking down the block. I find common sense in touching my body, in recitation, and color.

As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be: world without end. This, perhaps, may be my final comfort.

a long while

hello! I'm not even sure who reads my words anymore, but after a few months of silence, I'm starting to post again.

Than and I are now living in Houston. We have been here about three weeks, though it seems a bit less than that as we have been in and out of the city for various events and obligations.

We accomplished our goal of going back to South Africa this summer. I haven't really processed the trip yet ---- but hope to do a little of that here soon. Suffice to say, it was a good restful vacation. I originally had wished it to be more than a vacation, but I soon found out that everyone needs a vacation from time to time. It was so good to take a break from writing, from thinking, from doing, from working, from daily routines.

Now, I'm eager to get to work, which is as it should be, I think. Nervous about starting graduate school next week, but I hope my curiosity and love of learning will provide me with the sort of courage I need to dive in.

More to come...

a day at the beach

Hamburg, South Africa --- July 2009