are you happy

“are you still living in CA? are you happy? fulfilling your dreams? married?”

At night, I dream of people past. This ache never goes away – I just attempt, some days better than others, to live alongside it. How I wish I could live 100 parallel lives!

A stolen kiss, a whispered prayer, laughter upon laughter

Back when friendship was free.

I’ve discovered love never dies, even when the lights have gone out. We have grown into our own lives. Yet, I still think of you.

the home stretch

Waiting and restless.

I’ve been thinking about going back to South Africa and back to school for so long, it’s hard to believe that it’s almost here. It’s hard to believe that it has been seven years since my first trip to Cape Town. I’ve been talking about graduate school since then, and it’s amazing to be almost there. 

The reality of studying for the next five years is slowly sinking in. I’m hesitant about this new identity: scholar.I’ve spent a long time running from it. Hiding and submerging the stirrings of my heart and my intellectual gifts. All the while, I could not escape the ideas that captured my imagination and left me hungry for more.

More justice. More reconciliation. More dialogue. More change.

I’ve been afraid of commitment – the demands of commitment. I’m afraid of discipline. I’m afraid of failure, but perhaps even more afraid of success. And yet, I continue to step forward. Baby steps. I don’t have to have this whole thing figured out just yet.

Looking back, it’s been daily work. One step after another, an email here and an email there, studying for the GRE, connecting thoughts and fragments into a personal statement, reading, pushing myself to be faithful to the tasks right in front of me. And now, I will be part of this world --- long reviled and desired --- 

converting to atheism and back again

New Statesman - Why I believe again

Really lovely quote in this longer piece in the New Statesman about the journey from doubt - to unbelief - to belief. The article profiles A N Wilson, once a religious man turned atheist, who is now slowly grasping back to God again.

"The existence of language is one of the many phenomena – of which love and music are the two strongest – which suggest that human beings are very much more than collections of meat. They convince me that we are spiritual beings, and that the religion of the incarnation, asserting that God made humanity in His image, and continually restores humanity in His image, is simply true. "

His suspicion of "conversion," in his case to atheism, rings true with my own experiences. The q & a portion is also quite interesting. Wilson says his fear of death pushed him back to God.

institutional privilege

A new thought: maybe instead of talking about institutional racism we should change our terminology and start talking about institutional privilege.

I've been thinking a lot these days about how it's a question of priority - I want to change tactics and start drawing attention to how institutions prioritize the needs or desires of certain groups or individuals over others based on their culture/race/ethnicity.

We are never going to completely remove systems of power, but power should be used on behalf of and for all.

perfect day

It’s a perfect cloudy Saturday morning. Everything is quiet – except for the sound of our mouse Basil running on his wheel and the lone cry of a bird outside. It’s the first time in a long time where everything feels right in the world.

Of course, everything is not right in the world. News of bombs in Iraq yesterday broke through my thick wall of violence fatigue. Glimmers of anger surfaced: how can they kill their own citizens? The world is on edge to see what will happen in Pakistan. And I wonder what the victory of Jacob Zuma in South Africa will mean for the future of Africa. Meanwhile, death and grief touch those I love.

But in my corner of the world, things are ok. I know three things: I am quitting my job at the end of May, in a little over a month I’ll be in South Africa, and in August I will start taking classes again. Our perfect plan of going to graduate school together hasn’t panned out, and yet, in times where there are big gaps, holes and question marks, I find myself feeling strangely free.

God has been so faithful to us. I often wonder, in seeking meaning and purpose in my life, if I construct this sense of God’s presence as a way to cope with chaos and uncertainty. Who knows? The truth is that looking back we have been so taken care of these last two years. Every need has been provided for and beyond.

And now, once again, we are moving into the great unknown. With a limited amount of money in our savings, we are following our dreams to Africa and hoping that not only will Than find a job next year but that a way will open up for him to pursue PHD work – in Houston or elsewhere. And I am preparing to enter a PHD program in a field still somewhat obscure to me: religious studies. The dissertation is still a long way off, but I can’t help wonder what will take shape. What will I devote myself to studying and writing about? What ideas will capture my imagination and just not let go? How will this next season connect with all my past seasons? What new threads and long forgotten ones will emerge?

at home