living in prayer

My Lenten exercises have fallen by the wayside and I ask with Paul – why is that what I want to do, I cannot do?

My ideals are never reached – sabotaged by laziness, sloth, love of pleasure.

I’ve been reflecting a lot recently on work, or rather vocation. It’s clear that there is an intimate connection between the words discipline and discipleship. Now, obviously these two words come from the same root, but recently I feel this intimacy as I pursue my chosen discipline – religious studies – and at the same time ask: what does it mean to follow?

I would estimate that 90% of my work to apply to graduate school involved the unseen emotional/mental/spiritual work of overcoming voices of fear, shame, despondency or rather continuing to press forward despite those voices. Pursuing one's passion in a spirit of hope really is a working-out process, a constant confrontation with false selves and false idols.

What keeps me going is a trust that the work matters, despite how I may or may not feel.
There are moments of crystal clarity when everything seems to make sense. Those are few and far between. More often, I find myself in a sea of ambiguity, searching for words, phrases, ideas, and images to guide me on the yet uncharted path ahead. It is in those moments that I wonder: did you lead me into this wilderness to die? Was the clarity I felt a grand delusion, a mockery, a farce? How is it that some seem to know so clearly what it is they want --- and my knowledge is always, at best, partial?

Certainty has never been my companion, but faith has. Faith has rescued and carried me through. But what if faith is just a construct to provide meaning and order in our lives --- a sense of plan --- when life is most chaotic and unpredictable?

I can’t say, but I will close with one of my favorite prayers from Thomas Merton, who like me was a doubter and yet could not stop seeking.

dreaming in green

news you can use

My netflix account is telling me that Than and I have a penchant for independent mockumentaries, dark political dramas, critially aclaimed romantic action and adventure, visually striking exciting military movies, and science-fiction and fantasies.


Psychoanalyse that!

Mousey & Basil

Rice Visit

Whew – we are back from visiting Rice University in Houston. I’m pooped.

Friday was packed. We were picked up at 9 AM, whisked to the university, and I was handed a schedule with a days worth of tours, faculty appointments, and meetings with graduate students. The purpose of the trip was to learn about what it would be like to be a graduate student at Rice.

Some initial thoughts:
- Rice’s campus is beautiful
- Houston is WAY better than people make it out to be (at least the area we were staying in). The weather and vegetation actually reminded me of South Africa, a plus.
- Ah, the comforts of the city: Buffalo Exchange, sushi, and easy access to alcohol. Can you believe that the campus has its own bar???
- Is a library tour with the librarian really necessary?


Rice is modeled after the British university system. Undergraduates live in “colleges” with a faculty member and his family. The architecture is very British as well. Both of us fell in love with the monastic influence in the architecture and educational set up.

As for the graduate program, I think I could do well there. I feel humbled by the opportunity to work with Elias Bongmba. He wasn’t there, but everyone testified to the gentleness I already picked up on by phone.

I did feel a bit intimidated in meeting various faculty members and having to pitch over and over again “my interests” and research plan. I couldn’t help but realize that I am entering the big leagues now, and I have my work cut out for me.

We still have some waiting, praying, deciding to do. As much as I want to speed up this process, I know it’s important to stay open and flexible and present. So be it.

Lent

I offered to reflect on Lent this Sunday --- but I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to say. Lent means something different to me each year or rather Lent teaches me something every year.

The practice of discipline typically illuminates my perfectionist tendencies as I tend to take on too much in order to prove myself worthy. Encountering my weakness, my mortality, and my limits, is always sobering. Reminds me again and again of my incredible need to have grace and receive grace.

Darkness, wandering, and suffering have also been themes. Lent has typically fallen during seasons in my life of pain and depression. During these times, it has been immensely comforting to explore Christ’s own identification with my suffering and to feel Christ’s presence in my wanderings and struggle. Lent has been a time to connect to Christ’s humanity and draw hope from the fact that we share this humanity even as I struggle to grasp the light in the darkness.

This year, I’m trying to keep it simple. I’m not giving up anything, but I’m attempting to make space every day to move my body in worship and celebrate God’s good gifts as I look forward in anticipation and hope. For whatever reason, the image of Jesus as shepherd has been reappearing. I feel as if I am in the wilderness – like Moses – but this time there is a peace as I look ahead and follow the great shepherd who knows where he is going, will protect me, and leads me to still waters which restore my soul. My focus is less on Christ’s death and suffering and more on the anticipation of life. Preparation for life. A second Advent. It’s good and surprising.